Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #18)

* A good wife always knows her place. 

Oh I know my place alright. At least I do now. My place is beside my husband. 

The last couple of months have been stressful for my family. My husband and I are both dealing with unrelated but simultaneous health issues. As a result, I haven't been able to blog as much as I would have or wanted to. I have been feeling guilty for each week that went by with few and, I admit, weak posts. Behind the scenes, I've also felt guilty about not having the energy to keep the house clean and not having cooked a real meal in over a month now. 

The other morning I woke up and, as per usual, started running through the list of things that needed accomplished that day, then the list of things I could have accomplished a couple months ago, and finally the list of what I though I could maybe get accomplished that day- if I was having a good day. I finally gave myself permission to not blog last week and that really helped. But now that I've done some thinking and reminded myself of my priorities, I need to give myself permission to not feel guilty about not blogging. 


I've read a number of blog posts about finding a balance in one's life between work, home and blogging. It seems every blogger reaches a point at least once over their career where they need to give themselves a hearty dose of reality about in which order those three things fall on the priority scale. I didn't think my wake up call would be coming so soon!


Don't get me wrong- I love blogging, I am not burnt out on it and I soooo plan to continue blogging. Right now, however, I need to put my money where my mouth is and truly place all my focus and energy on getting myself, my husband and our home back into shape.This rule couldn't have come at a better time because I truly needed to remind myself where my place is. I love my blog life, but my place is first and foremost beside my husband, as the best and healthiest wife/person I can be. 


So, I am taking the month of September off. I don't want to do too many things not very well. I want to get back to where I can feel proud of myself and say that I am tackling every venture of my life the best I possibly can. I will be spending the month bringing "healthy" back into mine & my husbands lives, finding my blogging inspiration and stockpiling some awesome posts for October, and putting all the pieces of the puzzle back to where they need to be. 


I don't want to worry anyone- neither of us is dealing with a serious illness. We are just learning to live with some minor health issues that haven't let either of us feel like ourselves lately. 

I appreciate your understanding and the best support anyone can give us is to stick around- don't go anywhere because I will be back and (fingers crossed) better than ever with some BIG SURPRISES!

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #17)

(This is the 17th post of this series. Click here to read the entire series.) 
 
* Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember,  he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. 

Humm... let's discuss what we don't like about this rule. "Master of the House" - I'm not sure how I feel about that. My husband does technically own our house (it came with the husband) but I am the one who keeps it running. Granted, he is responsible for fixing anything that breaks and anything that involves a ladder and the roof. Oh, who am I kidding? Our cat rules this house! Have you ever seen those signs that read, "This is the cats house and he just lets us live here"? That's pretty much true with our beast. 

"You have no right to question him"- <cough, bullshit, cough>  

I do trust my husband. I respect him. I have faith in his judgment and integrity. I am glad that I don't make the decisions around here alone and have defaulted to his judgment quite a lot actually. I believe him to be a fair and trusthworthy man. With that said... he has his moments and you better believe I will call him out when those moments present themselves.  

I really do believe that trust is one of the most important, if not THE most important, element of a relationship. I've seen many a relationships fall apart because trust just wasn't there. I've also watched relationships fall apart because one partner didn't trust the other... even though they had absolutely no reason to NOT truth in him/her. If we are being completely honest here, I've seen the stereotyped jealous/untrusting woman part played out waaaaay to often. 

This rule makes me think of bachelor parties. My husband was the fourth guy in his group of friends to get married. All four of them had bachelor parties and for all four parties the guys adhered to a strict "no photography" policy. As a woman, I should probably be disgusted by this policy but I actually think it is really, REALLY smart.  

I didn't ask my husband any questions before or after his bachelor party. (Though when he came home with two skinned knees I did ask if he had any other injuries that might require medical attention.) I know how my brain works. If I thought about it, or asked questions, or saw any evidence of what happened my mind would start racing directly towards the worst possible scenarios. Instead, I chose to not let myself wander away from trusting a perfectly proven truthworthy man. 

With that said, and once again, if he stayed out all night he would be walking into the Pennsylvania Inquisition the next morning!  

Dear 1950's Housewife, 
There is a big difference between being trusting and being blind. For some people this is a very fine line. You are right- as wives we need to trust our husbands. But we do also need to be smart and trust our own judgment. Learning how to do this well can take a lifetime. Hopefully, we all have partners who are worth it!
Have a pleasant day, 
The 2010s Housewife

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #16)

* Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. 

Okay.... so.... I say to my husband "I need help finding some inspiration for this week's housewife rule."

His reply? 

"Yea, we don't need no jibba-jabba."

What else is there to say?

Dear 1950's Housewife, 
He don't need no jibba-jabba.
Have a pleasant day, 
The 2010's Housewife

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #15)

(This is the 16th post of this series. Click here to read the entire series.) 

 * Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. 
  
 
I have a $160 electric bill that proves I follow this rule.

And a dual tap kegerator taking up prime real estate in our tiny little kitchen.

And 1/3 of our bedrooms dedicated to the "man bunker."

My husband is probably a good 10-15 degrees warmer than everyone else in the world, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, no matter where we are. As you can assume, this is problematic in the summer. A problem compounded by the fact that we do not have central air conditioning. 

Our electric bill is plagued 3-4 months of the year by a window air conditioner in our bedroom and a very... very... very old wall unit in our living room. (The latter of which is blasting out a rude musty smell as we speak.) To eleviate the pain, we try to turn them on as infrequently as possible. 

Probably 4 out of 5 of the times we turn the air on, I would be fine leaving them off. Last year we even managed to turn them on only 4 times all summer. The Hubs, however, gets extremely uncomfortable whenever the temps rise above 85. So uncomfortable, in fact, that this year I've had the air running at least 60% of the time. 

Comfortable Husband- check!

I have probably mentioned before how much I love living in Central PA. The top two reasons why? 

1) Everything is easier here. There are back roads everywhere to avoid traffic. I have yet to wait in line at the bank. The cost of living is decently affordable. 

2) Craft beer. It's everywhere here. And it's GOOD! I couldn't tell you the last time I drank a Miller Lite. It has to have been at least 3 years. Microbreweries are very popular in Pennsylvania and we happen to be friends with the owners/brewers of one of the best- Bavarian Barbarian Brewing Company. 

The Hubs and I bonded over craft beer. It was a passion of his and something he could teach me. I enjoyed learned. Beer had become a part of our lives. As are recycling centers. After a couple of weeks of making special trips early Saturday morning to drop off a large bin of brown glass bottles, I decided it was time to give into the Hubs request for a kegerator. So, my mother and I went in together & bought him one 2 years ago for his birthday. 

Seriously, his wife & his mother-in-law bought him a kegerator. My husband should be the happiest man in all the lands!

Cool drink in hand- check!


And the bunker thing: I think that's sort of essential for men. My dad has a bunker too. Men need space. They need a room that doesn't have to always be clean (because it's so easy to just close the door when company comes over.) A room where all the gaming systems in the world can be piled up in the corner (and not in my living room). A room where dirty socks can lie on the floor and pint glasses can sit for days. 

Let's be honest- the rest of the house is ours!

Dear 1950's Housewife, 

I am going to agree with you 100% today. My husband spends most of his day uncomfortable. He has to wear uncomfortable clothes & shoes to work, sit in an office that has fluorescent lights (which give him migraines), and deal with some people who don't have a clue what they are talking about or doing all day long. If there is something I can do to make him comfortable at home, then I should do it. Where else are you suppose to feel the most comfortable, if not home?

Have a pleasant day, 

The 2010's Housewife

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #14)

(This is the 15th post of this series. Click here to read the entire series.) 

* Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. 

I think I'll break this rule down piece by piece. 

"Don't complain if he's late home for dinner..."

My initial thought is "don't complain if you come home & there is no dinner." Manners apply to everyone, even husbands. If I am taking the time & energy to loving cooking a meal for you, than it's only polite to be on time & hungry. I have no problem if the Hubs is late, as long as he calls & gives me the heads up. It's just common courtesy.

"... or even if he stays out all night."

Unacceptable. Non-negotiable. Seriously, did the 1950's husband just randomly stay out all night without telling his wife? And did she seriously just deal with it because he's job is stressful? That's a bunch of B.S. Husband- listen up. If you decide to stay out all night without telling me, I will sit at home all night long switching back & forth from worried out of my mind to plotting just how I am going to rip you a new one. There is a 50% chance of me thinking on the latter when you finally decide to walk your butt back in through that door. How do you like those odds?

 "Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day."

Missing dinner, okay... I can see that. Not spending the night at home- not a chance in h - e - double hockey sticks what he dealt with that day will compare to the worry I went through that night. With that said, I recognize & understand that my husband has a stressful job. I try to do all that I can at home to help him deal with and shake off that stress after hours. That's my job. 

However, does having a stressful job give someone permission to be rude or have bad manners? No. Does it give you the right to be a bad husband? No. Am I going to have my own stressful days & require some tending from him every now & again? Yes. Is there a chance we will both have a stressful day & end up taking it out on each other? Probably more than once.

Such is life. 

Dear 1950's Housewife,

I don't know whether to nominate you for sainthood or check you into a mental hospital! You had me until the "out all night" business. 

I've heard that relationships are suppose to be 50-50. However, I think they work better when they are 100-100; when each person gives 100% of the love they have to give, 100% of their effort, 100% of themselves... and respects the other 100% of the time. 

You don't always have to agree with one another, but you have to always, always be respectful of one another, and some of the things you talk about lead me to believe your husband doesn't fully respect you. Staying out all night without calling- that's just disrespectful. As is being late for dinner, for that matter. 

I think it's time you give the man of yours a piece of your mind! And that's what I have to say about that. 

Have a pleasant day, 

The 2010's Housewife

 

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #13)

(This is the 14th post of this series. Click here to read the entire series.) 

* Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.


I'm guessing my husband would disagree, but I think I'm pretty good already at following this rule. Correction- I'm better than 60% of wives, which is above average... and I can live with that. 


Since complaints & problems often lead to disagreements & arguments, I'm translating this rule to be about picking and choosing your battles. I'm sort of tired today and not feeling especially witty, so I figured I'd let another wiser & way awesomer <new word alert> blogger teach you a thing or two today about this topic. 


I'm going to safely say that this is the funniest thing I have ever read. Totally worth your time, I promise! (Psst: I probably wouldn't click the link if you are easily offended or disapprove of 4 letter words.)


The Bloggess: And that's why you should learn to pick your battles


Dear 1950's Housewife, 


There are two things I am pretty certain about. 1) You wouldn't have bought the towels and 2) I need a Home Goods store nearby... and a Laura in my life. 


Have a pleasant day, 
The 2010's Housewife

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife’s Guide (Rule #12)

(This is the 13th post of this series. Click here to read the entire series.)


* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

I have to admit, I am pretty proud of myself and how I am doing with these rules. Sometimes a story or thought or rambling pops immediately into my head when I read each rule. Most of the time, however, I have to think on it for awhile. Whenever I hit a writer's block, I ask my husband how he thinks I could accomplish said goal for him. Each & every time I have asked, his response was "You already do/are."

<Smile>

When I first read Rule #12, I was translating "peace, order and tranquility" to mean feng shui, trickling water fountains and the smell of lavender in the air. Immediately, I felt a sense of failure since I own too much furniture & not enough mirrors and we rarely use candles or room fresheners because of my husband's scent sensitivity. I guess you could count our leaky faucet as having the same affect as a trickling water fountain, though.

That lead me to feeling awful for how long it has been since I completely cleaned the house. With the deck project still in full swing it has seemed sort of pointless to clean. It's been too hot & there have been too any sweaty, dirty family members sitting on the furniture every weekend for a month now to bother vacuuming.

Then I got to thinking about the serious earful I gave my husband when he accidentally knocked a mug of beer off the end table this weekend & managed to coat an entire 10 foot section of the wall with drippy brown goo. (No lie, I measured... 10 feet!) I certainly didn't create a space of peace and tranquility that night!

Feeling like a major wife fail, I emailed the Hubs and asked "How can I achieve Rule #12 for you?" His response (surprise, surprise) was "you already do," followed by a series of bullet points listing the ways in which I do so, to support his thesis statement. (When my husband is in work mode when he replies, I can expect anything from a PowerPoint to a flow chart or data analysis graph.)

I think a few of the Wife's Guide Rules thus far have demonstrated the difference between a wives perception of her role/job/success and a husband's perception of her role/job/success. Here are my husband's bullet point responses and how I was viewing the situation:

Dear 1950's Housewife, 


It's not often enough that either of us gets an opportunity to renew ourselves in body & spirit. There is just too much on the to-do list & not enough hours in the day. Plus, some crazy lady at our house keeps insisting that we work on these insane home remodeling projects! Hopefully soon we will be able to take a vacation & work on that body and spirit business, but for now, we'll have to settle on little reminders to renew our faith in ourselves, each other & our relationship. Little exercises like the one the Hubs and I did today (ie: reminding each other what we appreciate about each other & just how we view the other person) can be just as refreshing- or at least just enough to get us through another round of work, home repairs, and/or the craziness that is life!


Have a pleasant day, 


Mrs. 2010's Housewife

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife's Guide (Rule #11)

(This is the 12th post of this series. Click here to read the entire series.)

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. 

Perhaps you all can explain this rule to me. The way I see it, a night with my husband out to dinner with the guys is an opportunity for me to be at home and relax. Am I wrong?!?

Here is a little back story:

I moved to Central PA about 3 years ago... actually, three years ago last week. I came here solely for a job and had no idea really where I was moving to. I rented an awesome apartment on the second floor of an old Victorian home, complete with tall ceilings, original radiators, living room built-ins & plenty of charm (and a crazy land lady). 

About two weeks after moving, I received a bill for my first oil tank fill; the apartment was heated, as was the water, with an oil furnace. It was about $600... that was NOT in the budget! Also that week, one of my coworkers made me, as she called, "dance like the wind" in an empty gallery. (I work at a museum.) The final straw was when all of downtown closed temporary while a full sized black bear meandered outside one of my favorite small town diners.  

I was incredibly worried about how I would survive in this new place and called in reinforcements, by means of a grad school friend. That Saturday night we did as 25-year-olds do and sought shelter from our lives in the local college bar. It was a straight tequila night. It was also the night I met my husband. 

The following Friday was date number one. Saturday was date number two. Sunday was date number three. Six months later I moved in our home. Two years and one month later we were married. 

I have a point, I do. It also relates today's rule.

My husband as born and raised about 20 miles from where we live now. He lived in the DC area for awhile and moved back to PA six months before we met. He had an established life and circle of friends here. I was the new girl. 

My first two years here were hard. I didn't feel like I transitioned into his group very smoothly and I didn't feel like I was welcomed with open arms by some of his friends' wives/girlfriends. I had always a large group of friends in Ohio and, in my opinion, a pretty active social life. Then, all of a sudden, I was living 300 miles away and it was as if, overnight, I had a completely different life. I had the job of my dreams and the man of my dreams... and pretty much nothing else. 

My husband has a best friend who lives less than a mile away. BT (before Tracy) these two spent just about every night hanging out. I lie, it was every night. AT (after Tracy) we slowly transition into a new routine. I like to call it our custody agreement. I get the Hubs on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. His BFF gets him Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday night, as well as 3-4 weekends a year for fishing trips.   

For the last 20 years I had one hobby: school. I like to read, but I was still completing my thesis at the time so unless it had "Museology" or "Preventive Conservation" in the title, I wasn't reading it. I loved to shop, but I had just started my first big girl job and had real bills & student loans to pay. Once I moved in with my husband I had a house to care for but seriously, how many times can one person clean a house in a week? I was three steps away from spilling wine on my husband's work shirt so I had an interesting laundry challenge to fill my Tuesday evening. 

It took me a looooong time to not resent his nights out. There are still times when I wish he would invite me to tag along. I wish I could share the secret to dealing with this sort of situation, but I can't. There is no secret. It just takes time. 

Looking back at that time, I just wanted my husband to fix it. I wanted him to make his friends make their wives be nice to me. I wanted him to help me find a hobby. I wanted him to provide a life for me. Well, as we all know, that wasn't going to happen! Nor was that a healthy life for me.

In the end, my husband did the best he could for me. He listened to me cry. He really did spend time with me and give me all his attention when he was home. He encouraged me when I started new projects- like this blog. This period of my life was sort of like middle school- awkward, angst-filled & difficult with a side of immaturity. Boy I sure am glad I grew out of that too!

I now have hobbies, new friends, my parents just minutes away- plenty on my plate. So much so that I actually look forward to the Hubs leaving for the night. I have, once or twice, gotten upset with him for cancelling plans on a night I had A LOT I was hoping to accomplish. (Bad housewife!) We have a routine where we spend time together on my nights and I plan my chores & hobbies (and nights out too) on the days I don't have custody. It's working for us now but I'm sure at some point things will change again and we'll deal with more growing pains- probably as our family begins to grow.  

I should come up with a point here. I guess the point is that a wife can't be all that a husband needs and a husband can't be all that a wife needs. In order for a relationship to be healthy & survive, both partners need to be healthy and thrive. Friends, social lives, hobbies, careers- things that fulfill one as a person outside of their relationship help make you healthy and supplement the happiness you get from your relationship. It's funny, I never understood it when girlfriends of mine were needy, jealous or controlling- not "allowing" their significant others to do certain things. I guess for awhile I was sort of that person but I don't believe it ever had to do with not wanting my husband to have a life- it was more that I was jealous for not having one of my own.


Dear 1950's Housewife, 

After thinking about them for awhile, most of your rules actually seem to have nothing to do with husbands after all, and more to do with ourselves. I would say that the modern translation of Rule #11 would read:

Your husband needs a life. So do you. Encourage him to be his own healthy & happy person and embrace your own interests and needs outside your marriage. It's great to have hobbies together, but sometimes you've just gotta tell your man, "Tonight, I need to sew!" Take advantage of your nights apart as an opportunity to catch up on you and/or relax. Oh, and take advantage of your nights together too! ;)

Have a pleasant day, 

Mrs. 2010's Housewife

Modern Translation: The Awesome Wife’s Guide (Rule #10)

(This is the 11th post of this series. To read the entire series, click on the label to the left that reads "Modern Translation Series.")

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

This rule is extra special hard for me, but it’s one I definitely want to work on! I know, I know... the wording is totally 1950s but if you can look past the language barrier you’ll see there is a method to my madness!

There isn’t a moment in the day when I don’t have something to talk to my husband about... and vice versa. We talk A LOT! When we first met my husband was working remotely from our Pennsylvania home for a DC based company. The nature of my job requires a lot of desk work as well. So, during our courting stage we chatted throughout the day on Gmail chat as we went about our work business. This was our routine actually until about a month before we were married when my husband accepted a local job which required him to work outside of the home. For two years I was able to share thoughts with my husband or ask him a question immediately as it popped into my head. Needless to say, it has been a rough transition for me.

This isn’t actually a new bad habit for me. It’s one that was instilled long before I met my husband and seems to be a plague for all of my generation. I have had a cell phone for <pause for quick math> 12 years. I love my cell phone. I rely on it. I would panic if I were to ever leave the house without it, but chances are, even if I forget pants I’ll never leave the house without my cell phone. 

I claim that I need it on me at all times for emergencies, but we all know that’s a liar, liar pants on fire. (Though, truth be told, I’m incredible afraid of getting a flat tire. I feel I will have at least one in my life and everyday that goes on without a flat tire only makes me more afraid of that day when it does come. I felt the same way about split pants and I actually got my one allotted lifetime pants split recently and survived so perhaps I should stop being a big baby about it.)

In reality, I need to have my cell phone on me because what if I have a thought? And want to share that thought? And what if I can’t? I’ll have to <gasp> remember that thought. And then what if I don’t remember said thought? I will have had a thought and then lost the thought without ever sharing the thought for someone else to think about also. I can’t live like that!

Clearly, I recognize the ridiculousness of this. The cure for cancer will never pop into my head while driving in my car and be lost forever because I cannot speed dial my mom ASAP and tell her all about it. But, I bring this up because this is the perfect example of how differently boy brains and girl brains work. I don’t... ever... stop having thoughts and I truly believe that all thoughts I have are important, so important in fact that I would consider it in an justice to not share each thought immediately with whomever I’ve decide to grace that thought upon. (Perhaps why I have a blog??) 

My husband does not have a thought unless he decides to think. That sounds awful but I assure you it is true. *Disclaimer: My husband is incredibly smart & much, much smarter than I am. Case in point, he’s so smart that he has actually figured out how to stop thinking. I envy him for this ability! 

We’ve all lived this scene:

Act One

A couple is sitting in the living room on a weeknight evening just after dinner, watching television.

Wife: “What’cha thinking about?”
Husband: “Nothing”
Wife: <tehehe> “No, really, what’cha thinking about?”
Husband: “Uhh... nothing.”
Wife: “Well you can’t be thinking about nothing. Is something bothering you?”
Husband: “Uhh... no.”
Wife: “What’s wrong??”
Husband: “I said nothing.”
Wife: “Are you mad at me???”
Husband: “NO!!!”

(Totally preventable, unnecessary fight about... literally... nothing ensues.)

I’m giggling because I believe we have had this exact conversation verbatim... multiple times. 

I now believe my husband when he says he is actually thinking about nothing- as in, not thinking. I don’t know how he does it. Believe me, if I did I would paste a tutorial on here for y’all. 

So, to examine this more closely, if my husband can chose when and what to think about perhaps his thoughts are more important? I don’t play the math game well but there is no possible way that 100% of all my thoughts are important and worth sharing. Yet, I seem to want to share them all. The hubs is more selective with his thoughts than I, and even more selective of what he deems important enough to share. By simple numbers, it would seem that if we both arrive home from work at the same time and both have a thought to share, chances are his thought was more carefully selected and therefore more important.



In all sincerity though, I believe I have a lot to learn from my husband in regards to mind management. My name is Tracy, and I am an over-thinker. <Hi Tracy!> Granted, having such an active mind is probably the reason I have such mind-blowingly <new word alert!> genius ideas at times BUT it is also the reason I cannot fall asleep at night until I make a to-do list for the next day. I recognize that I need to work on thought control and mind-editing.

Dear 1950s Housewife,
You little trickster... I see what you are doing here! You’ve hidden a subliminal message into this rule. It’s not that you truly believe what your husband has to say is more important than what you have to say. No. You know how a housewife mind works: it never stops. Rather, you wanted us to work on finding inner peace and balance with our own thoughts. You wrote this rule to help us housewives recognize that it’s the quality of our minds not the quantity of our thoughts that truly matter! Cleaver, cleaver.
Have a pleasant day,
The 2010s Housewife